A Huge Throbbing Election.

Regardless of your level of pig-headed ignorance (and it’s probably fairly high, given that you’re reading The Bastard Lounge), you cannot have failed to notice the giant, slimy, Etonian elephant in the room of late. There’s an election afoot, and by jove it’s jolly exciting. At the time of writing, Great Britain is a mere three weeks away from shuffling awkwardly into poorly-constructed booths in primary schools, libraries and brothels, marking a bit of paper and striding away with a feeling of utter bafflement mixed with smug self-satisfaction. The tension is palpable.

This election is one of the closest run in many a year, with the general consensus being that the most likely outcome will be a hung parliament. Disappointingly this doesn’t mean a Westminster full of stupendously well-endowed politicians merrily swinging their dangerously girthy governmental tallywhackers through the House of Commons. Rather, it refers to the concept that it is unlikely that any one party will win an outright majority, and therefore the future government will most likely consist of two or more parties working in collaboration. It’s disappointing isn’t it? Barely any giant willies at all.

Miliband’s bold claims turned out to be greatly exaggerated.

Especially, that is, given the shift in the balance of power that has taken place since the last election. This year, the three most impressive candidates throughout the whole campaign have all been women, with Natalie Bennett of the Green Party, Leanne Wood of Plaid Cymru and Nicola Sturgeon of the SNP all proving to have more testicular fortitude than any of the blokes on display. This was never more evident than in the utter organisational shambles that was the TV debates that have taken place over the course of the campaign. Whilst the men repeatedly descended into shouting over one another like drunken four year-olds and generally engaged in the kind of pissing contest most commonly observed outside a Wetherspoons on a Thursday afternoon, the women came across as composed, in control and, frankly, badass.

Leanne Wood may have the voice of a Speak & Spell narrated by a castrated Gruff Rhys, but she still managed to lay the smackdown on Nigel “Bloody HIV patients, coming over here, taking our life-saving medication” Farage. Natalie Bennett recovered from a car-crash interview with LBC to talk up the importance of Human Rights and Nicola Sturgeon managed to piss off nearly the entire UK entirely because most of us won’t be able to vote for her and her brilliantly Scottish no-bollocks approach to the whole ordeal. And if nothing else, her stern-headmistress style demeanour coupled with her frankly adorable habit of pronouncing “houses” as “housies” undoubtedly inspired more than a few awkward erections.

Labour leader Ed Miliband managed to put in a surprisingly strong-showing in the latest debate, albeit in the absence of current Prime Minister David Cameron and Deputy Nick Clegg. Speaking of which, the latter’s Liberal Democrat party took to Twitter during the broadcast to lament their perceived exclusion in a series of increasingly bitter updates like a jilted ex whose friends have neglected to take their phone off them after a heavy night.

Still, the highlight of the event had to be the aforementioned Farage’s outburst about the BBC’s supposed left-wing audience bias.

After a swift-rebuttal by Scorpion-Tattooed Jon Snow-lite David Dimbleby, Farage then proceeded to declare that “the real audience [was] sat at home”, seemingly of the opinion that the now-enraged crowd in front of him were merely a collection of Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube-Men. Still, after a campaign dogged by accusations of racism, bigotry, outdated attitudes and general wankerishness, that moment was probably seen as a success by UKIP.

Overall, the 2015 General Election is unlikely to produce a result that will make anyone happy. Voter apathy has remained ever-present, looming over the candidates like a disinterested vulture. The genuine likelihood that more people will have signed a petition to get producer-punching Jeremy Clarkson his job back than will have read the party manifestos speaks volumes about the general distaste the Great British public has developed for voting for anything that doesn’t result in a swiftly-cancelled recording contract and years of obscurity.

That’s why it’s been particularly interesting to note the Electoral Commission’s drive to encourage voter sign ups, particularly amongst young people. Adverts on Twitter and Youtube have cropped up, and even the ‘stars’ of post-modern tv-commissioner meta-wank Gogglebox have been recruited into gathering those all important registrations. It’s starting to feel a little desperate, as if the next step is going to see the EC gathering the stars of The Only Way is Essex and Geordie Shore to spell out “#PLEASEVOTELOLXXX” with Vajazzles, probably soundtracked by “The Vamps” or some other insufferable, droopy-trousered, floppy-haired, gurners-with-guitars.

That being said, good on them. We here at The Bastard Lounge tend to shy away from politics, preferring instead to focus on more important matters like poor grammar and Kanye West’s genitals, but this seems like as good a time as any to get up on our high horses and smugly announce to the world using our most eloquent, verbose, intellectual reasoning that we’re going to vote, god damn it, and anyone who doesn’t is a poopyhead.

The election takes place on Thursday, 7th May 2015. The deadline for registering to vote is Monday, 20th April. If you haven’t done it already, you can do it here. Vote for whoever you want. Unless it’s UKIP, in which case, fuck you. Right in the face.

 

DPJ.